A Very Bleached Valentine's
by PatsFan1
Summary: The story of one Shinigami's quest to solve the riddles of love, and one Quincy's quest to annihilate it.


I. From the Files of Sajin Komamura: Sexual Paragon

Case #1: Rangiku Matsumoto and Shuhei Hisagi

What in all the realms am I doing?

Allow me to introduce myself to anyone who's daring to read this: I am Sajin Komamura, captain of the 7th Division of the Gotei 13. And now, due to humiliating circumstances, I am also to serve as a sexual therapist.

Such is the price for relieving myself on Genryusai-dono's plants again. Such are my primal instincts, I'm afraid.

Regardless, this is beyond anything the Captain-Commander has done before in regards to discipline. I have no idea what this is supposed to teach me. I'm starting to believe that he's only seeking to humiliate me. Like he wants me to squirm for ruining his (admittedly unimpressive) flower arrangements. Regardless, this is the price I must pay: helping to resolve people's sexual issues.

So this is what hell must be like.

My first call came, oddly enough, from Captain Hitsugaya in the 10th Division. I found that rather unsettling given how young he is.

Then I remembered who his lieutenant was and suddenly it made more sense.

So I made my merry way to the 10th Division barracks. I could smell Lieutenant Matsumo's perfume from outside. It smelled like cats. And anybody who knows my appearance knows that I would prefer it if all cats were consigned to the infernal depths. I knocked on the door and, surprisingly, neither Hitsugaya nor Matsumoto opened it. It was Lieutenant Momo Hinamori from the 5th Division. I was confused at first, but remembered that she and Toshiro were childhood friends so it wasn't odd to see her here. "Hello, Captain." she said. "Shiro-chan is this way."

So she led me down a hallway. Toshiro was near the end of it, standing in front of a door. He had his hands to his face. He looked up and saw me. What he told me was, at first, confusing. So I asked him:

"What do you mean, 'it's stuck'?"

He opened the door. Matsumoto was in there, in a rather provocative outfit. With rabbit ears. I cringed at the thought of asking. More troubling was who was next to her: Lieutenant Shuhei Hisagi of the 9th Division. He was dressed like a magician, but without a shirt. He looked mortified. So I walked closer and saw what was troubling him: he was holding a box in front of his...lower area. He turned to me and repeated what Hitsugaya told me: "It's stuck." I asked him what was in the box and, to the chagrin of everybody in the room, he begrudgingly opened it.

I don't think I need to tell you what was in that box.

It turns out that Matsumoto had one of her usual drunken episodes and invited Hisagi to play a game of "Naughty Magicians". I really don't think you need to know the intricate details of what happened, but, let's just say that he tried to make something disappear and reappear and, in the process...something got stuck.

I asked them a simple question: why didn't they try breaking the box? They told me they thought of that, but that they were in no state to properly wield anything for such purpose. I asked them why they called me for help when Hitsugaya and Momo were here. They told me that I was the designated expert, and that the two were, by Soul Society standards, technically minors, and doing this sort of thing could get them in heaps of trouble. Lord knows this needn't be public knowledge.

Begrudgingly I released my Zanpakuto. Using the sheer force of Tenken's fist (ugh), I shattered the box into a million tiny pieces. Hisagi was elated. His wand was finally unstuck.

His literal wand. Not the wand you've probably been assuming it was. A plastic prop wand they got from a flea market. That's all. Get your minds out of the gutter.

They thanked me for my trouble and said they'd pay me as soon as they sobered up. I simply reminded them never to speak of this again.

And that's how my first job as sexual expert went. Helping people remove a prop from a box. God, it only gets worse from here, doesn't it?

Case #2: Toshiro Hitsugaya and Momo Hinamori

A few days later I was giving in to my animal instincts again-making sweet love to my sofa-when I received another call from Captain Hitsugaya. He was in a heated argument with Momo, who I could clearly hear in the background. I quickly left to investigate.

When I arrived Hinamori was...out of uniform, if you will, and the captain was tied up and hanging from the ceiling, battered like a piñata.

I facepalmed. "What in hell's name is going on here?" I asked. "He's a two-timing cheating bastard!" yelled Momo. "That doesn't explain why you're...well." I responded. The girl, realizing she was...indecent, quickly scrambled to find clothes. After she realized that in her rage she burned all of them with her Zanpakuto, she used Kido to hide her breasts'...release, if you will.

What looked to be a taco was stuffed into Hitsugaya's mouth. "OK...start at the beginning and explain." I said. "You left me in a goddamn coma while you went to the real world being a perv to that Kurosaki girl. I am supposed to believe you were playing football! I know some sort of ball game was happening." said Momo angrily. Hitsugaya spat out his taco. "First of all, eww. Second of all, I was in the real world cleaning up after YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND!" "How dare you! My relationship with Sosuke...I mean Captain Aizen...was completely professional!"

The shouting was hurting my ears. It wasn't easing up, no matter what was said. Then I remembered...the infomercial I saw the other day. This rather large fellow speaking about love. He used this one technique...yes, that's it!

I placed my hands together and formed a heart shape. The two looked confused. Energy formed within my hands. I shouted out, "LOVE KISS!"

Well, it worked. The two are inseparable now. If only because they won't let go of me. They're glomping me, together, as I write this. And now she's squeezing my rump. Lovely.

Case #3: Kenpachi Zaraki and Nui Harime

A few days later, after the Love Kiss nonsense wore off, I received a call from 11th Division Captain Kenpachi Zaraki, saying it was urgent. Sighing deeply as I knew that what was to come was going to be painful, I left to investigate.

I knocked on the door and a large figure opened it. He was wearing a leather bondage suit with a mask. I could hear Rihanna's "S&M" playing in the background. Yep, it's gonna be one of those days.

"Zaraki, I presume?" I asked. "Who the hell else would it be? Mary-fuckin'-Poppins? Get yer furry ass in here." Despite every fiber of my being telling me to get as far away from here as possible, I obliged.

Zaraki took me to his office. Inside was a young woman with blonde pigtails and an eyepatch. Wait...I remembered this girl, I thought to myself. Nui Harime. She was the one who came here and fooled around with our captains' haori. I had heard she and Zaraki were an item but this was the first proof of it I had seen.

Oh, did I mention she was dressed like Harley Quinn from Batman? Because she totally was. Would that mean Zaraki was trying to be Bane...? No, I think I'm looking too far into this.

"Oh, there he is~!" she said excitedly. "Alright, Zaraki, I can see this setup and I'm probably going to regret asking this, but what do you want?" "Oh, tell him Mr. K~!" "Alright, furball, we're doing a bit of a role-playing thing, and we need your help with it. We needed a...prisoner of sorts." "Oh for...is this what I've been reduced to? I'm not satisfying this nonsense, you battle-hungry lunatic-" "We've got plenty of money." "You couldn't pay me enough to-" "And Kibbles and Bits~!" "...alright, what do you have in mind? Am I supposed to be Batman?" "Not exactly."

So I learned two things from this. One: apparently Zaraki was trying to be Catwoman. Make of that what you will.

Two: I will never look at Robin the same way ever again.

Case #4: Ichigo Kurosaki

After washing away my shame, I received yet another call. It was Ichigo Kurosaki. What in the world could he be calling me for? He wouldn't explain on the phone, and he insisted that I come to his residence immediately. I arrived at his home. It had some...rather elaborate birdhouses. Didn't think Ichigo was into that sort of thing.

A black-haired girl opened the door. I assumed this was one of Ichigo's sisters. She called for him. A brown-haired girl was on the couch staring at a computer. Ichigo came down the stairs, and motioned for me to come into his room. "...SeNpaI...?" gurgled the brown-haired girl. "No, Yuzu, it's not Senpai, it's just Komamura." responded Ichigo. "...doGgY SeNpaI...?" I asked what was wrong with her. Ichigo remained silent.

I went into his room and he shut the door. "Alright, Kurosaki, what is it?" "Well, um...you see, I noticed that Inoue always looks at me strangely..." "Yes, and?" "And well...I've noticed other girls acting weird around me...Rukia, Nel, Riruka...and I wondered...what's the deal?! Like, they look at me funny and I have no idea why, is there something on my face?"

I was so confused. "Ichigo...don't you think it might be because they may have...interest?" "In what? My face? Why'd they be interested in my face? It's not like I have facial hair they'd be into." "Ichigo...do you know what your penis is for?" "Yeah, peeing. What's that got to do with anything?" "And...?" "And, what? There's something else I don't know about?"

Then it hit me. He doesn't know. He genuinly doesn't know what sex is. He is, completely, and utterly, clueless. Almost done with high school, and he knows _nothing_. This blew my mind on so many levels. I remained silent. "Huh? What's wrong?" asked Ichigo. I couldn't even process an answer. I simply got up, and walked out. I returned to my quarters. I sat in silence. In complete nothingness.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

...

Komamura's Journal: January 4th, 20XX.

Dog carcass in alley this morning. Tire treads over burst intestines. Came to accept that life as I knew it is over. Emptiness. Nothingness. Kurosaki taught me so much. There is no point. None. The world is destined for apocalypse, and nothing I can do can change that.

Heard a good joke the other day. Man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says that nothing in his life can make him happy. Doctor says he has a solution. Great clown, Pagliacci, is in town. Go see him. That should cheer you up. Man bursts into tears. But doctor, he says, I am Pagliacci.

Good joke. Everybody laughs. Lights dim.

Curtains.

II. Lille the Unsatisfiable's V-Day of Dirty Deeds

"Alright, Lille, I have two questions." began PePe. "One, what are you cleaning your rifle for?" "I'm going to destroy Valentine's Day." "Why did I ask? Alright, make it three questions. HOW exactly are you going to try destroying Valentine's Day?" "Those sinful Shinigami are constructing an enormous heart-shaped cake. I intend to destroy it, therefore destroying this accursed holiday once and for all." "Is this about Bambi-chan rejecting you because you wet your pants that one time?" "Silence! That is between me and Honey-Bottom-er, Bambietta." "Oh, dear...alright, last question..."

"Why is the girl still here?" Yuzu Kurosaki was sitting at a nearby table. "Senpai's letting me follow him around!" "Silence! And I ordered you to stop calling me that!" "Whatever you say, puddin'-senpai!" "Grrr..." PePe floated over to her. "Hello, little girl. Would you like to see my funny bunny?" "PePe stop trying to molest my ward and keep her busy while I prepare for my attack!" "'Ward'? Oh, very well. Let's try some TV."

PePe turned the TV on. Chad Sado was standing in front of what looked to be a wrestling announcer. "I'm a chameleon, yeah, I can be here one minute and gone the next, won't see me til' WAM my tongue's hittin' ya like a fangirl in a cosplay hut, yeah, so when I say I'm takin' Mr. Don Ko-non-ji to the cleaners, brother, I mean it-" The TV turned off. "Er, on second thought, TV'll just rot your brain." said PePe.

"Either way, Lille, you have to get over it. She's in another dimension now, for God's sake!" said PePe. "Silence! Your frivolous festive follies are beneath my cantankerous contempt! Come, my ward! Let us rain unspeakable horrors down upon the unsuspecting Shinigami!" "Whatever you say, senpai!" The two left, with PePe floating by himself. "Well I can only see good things coming from this." he said.

In Soul Society, Toshiro Hitsugaya was overseeing the creation of the massive dessert. "Why does it always have to be me overseeing this nonsense? Why can't it be someone like Zaraki or Otoribashi or some other nincompoop? And why'd they have to leave me with-" Suddenly the sound of a gong being hit played out as 1st Division Lieutenant Chojiro Sasakibe appeared in a puff of smoke. "What are ya complainin' about now, ya shtupid boy?" he said in a Scottish accent. "Oh, good. Sasakibe." "That'sh right, ya shtupid boy, Chojiro Shashakibe, lieutenant of the Firsht Division." "And fresh from that new clothing store, I see." "So what're ya complainin' about now, lad? The little shtab-fetish girl dump ya for Mr. Plan again?" "Please stop saying words."

"Look, just keep your trap shut and keep an eye on things while I report to the Captain-Commander." said Toshiro. "Alright, but tell the old codger ta let ya borrow one o' hish diapersh if yer gonna be a crybaby about thish whole thing." "I will kill you in your sleep." "Uhuh, uhuhuhuhuhuh. Ah don't shleep, lad."

Lille was observing the construction from a nearby building. "Alright, my ward, do you have the equipment ready?" "Yes I diddly-do, senpai!" "Wonderful. Now do as I told you, and prepare the payload." "Senpai, why do you hate Valentine's Day? Is it like what that fat pervo said about a girl turning you down?" "...very well, my ward. I suppose I should let you in on my dark secrets."

"For years, I held hostility towards a girl for blowing up my wall and causing me to wet my pants in front of all the townspeople." "Um, 'townspeople'?" "I lived in a palace, they lived in the town, they WERE the townspeople, but that is neither here nor there. Last year, I attempted to mend fences with Honey-Bottom-er, Bambietta, by scalping her ex-boyfriend and presenting it to her as an exquisite cap. And she had the nerve to call it disgusting and say that she'd never date a man who wet his pants well into his 30s!" "Wow...what a bitch!" "At last someone who understands."

"Alright, senpai, I'll go set it up for ya! And I'll have you know that if you'd scalped my ex, I'd be happy to take it from you!" "Thank you, my ward. That means a lot." Yuzu departed to set up the bombs. Suddenly, someone appeared behind Lille. "You do realize that she's, like, 13, right?" It was Hitsugaya. "What business does a sinful Shinigami have with me?" "Simple. I wanna watch. I freaking hate this thing and I want it blown up just as much as you do. And if it blows up in your face, hey, doesn't hurt me a bit. So either way this should be a riot." "How...noble of you." Lille began watching Yuzu through his binoculars. "This coming from the guy spying on a 13-year old girl with _binoculars_." said Hitsugaya. "Silence! I must observe my dirty deeds with due diligence!" "Yeah, sure, and maybe catch a glimpse of someone else getting dirty, right?" "Yes...yes...fast hands, my young ward..." "I was KIDDING!" "Fast hands, big mouth..." "STOP SAYING THINGS."

Sasakibe was giving orders to the workers. "Alright, alright, now put that big ol' surprishe in there! Thish'll be worth a laugh." Yuzu suddenly appeared in front of him. "Hiya, grampy!" "Oh, for the love of Kurotshuchi'sh left backshide, that shtupid boy got ANOTHER one? The little shtabby one'sh not even dead yet!" Hitsugaya was now looking through the binoculars. Lille had dissapeared. "The hell are they up to?" asked Hitsugaya.

Suddenly, Lille appeared atop the cake. "Heeheehee...FOOOOOOOLS!" he yelled. "Oh, dear." said Hitsugaya. "Give 'em hell, senpai!" yelled Yuzu. "Now, foolish naives, look upon your asinine, amourous antiquity, and anguish!" He pressed a button, and then...nothing. He looked confused. He pressed it numerous times, but to no avail. "Hey, ya know lad, if ya wanna blow up shomethin, maybe you should make sure the buttonsh workin' firsht! Uhuh, uhuhuhuhuhuh." said Sasakibe. Lille continued to push the button in frustration. "It's not going to work, Lille." said a mysterious voice.

"Who?!" demanded Lille. Suddenly, a bright light appeared above the Quincy, as a figure began to descend towards him. "Oh...this light...Honey-Bottom, is that-oh no. Oh NO." PePe appeared before Lille, dressed as Cupid. "It is I who stands before your cantankerous contempt. You cannot defeat the power of love, Lille Barro. I will not allow it." He grabbed his diaper. "NO." said Lille. "YES. For you to understand the true meaning of love, you must gaze upon its true form! BEHOLD!" "DON'T YOU DARE!"

PePe removed his diaper as an intense light emanated from his area. The skin began to dissolve from Lille's body and regenerate in rapid succession. The frames of Hitsugaya's binoculars shattered. Sasakibe's moustache disintegrated.

By the time PePe put his diaper back on, Lille had fallen unconscious, as much of the surrounding area had been incinerated by the light. "I'm sorry I had to do that to you, but you gave me little choice. And now, it is time for me to continue my quest. Farewell!" PePe flew off, a stream of hearts trailing behind him. "Well...now I've gotta grow thish thing back thanksh ta that shtupid fatsho." said Sasakibe. "Ummm...is senpai OK?" asked Yuzu. Lille's eyes had become static. Behind that...nothing.


End file.
